So I didnt really want to post this because it will have mix reaction i am sure. However, this might be the best thing to keep doing so I can see a pattern aka problem.
So after a long week of not drinking I made a deal with myself that I can drink on Saturday – and I did. I had 2 beers at a friends house and then a bottle of wine over a good movie Saturday night. To be honest I didn’t like how I felt on Sunday. I wasn’t really hungover per-say but just felt odd. I could tell my brain wasn’t as sharp had it been all week.
I thought a lot about it and I don’t see what is wrong if I drink on Saturday? If it doesn’t spin me into a week night drinking habit, did I fail? Did I relapse? Do I really have a problem?
I dont know if its because its the first week but if this is how lonely and boring being sober is – don’t think this is for me. Now dont get me wrong – drinking 7 days a week is absurd to me now. I get it. I drank to me. You win, your right. 2 points your team. What the hell is wrong with having a few drinks with friends on a Saturday night? Don’t have work tomorrow, just church at 1130am. All my errands are done, house is about at a 80 on the clean scale – if I had a to-do list, it would be checked. So please tell me again why I cant have a drink and enjoy (no dont read that as thats the only enjoyment is drinking) my Saturday night?
This is dumb, for real, why am I FUCKING doing this!
Or that’s at least that’s what is running in my head. If I stop and take a deep breath and remind myself that I am doing this because its for the best. Its the best for me physically, mentally, socially, and in some time it will all make sense. Right now, I feel like I have lost control. Like I am a child who isn’t allowed to have something but I know I have all the means to get it. I can get in the car (clearly I haven’t been drinking) I have money, it takes 2 minutes to get to the store. I can buy one bottle of wine and I can come home and drink it in peace with no one knowing. I wouldn’t be hurting anyone….but I guess myself.
So guess I will go to bed…this too shall pass.
This morning I woke up a bit peeved that I yet again had terrible dreams all night. I guess the drinking every night blocked the dreams?!?! Not quite sure, but all I know is that I would love a night of quality sleep. grr.
Other than that I have felt great all day – the juice cleanse is chugging right along as well – and at this point i would rather eat then drink (this is a first)!
However with that being said, I came home with a burst of energy and clean my condo – not tidy up but CLEAN! I mean this place looks great! I was about finished when I thought, I would love to make a yummy dinner and have an amazing glass of wine. Well SHIT I cant do either. Then the normal thought crossed my head, WHY AM I EVEN DOING THIS! The not eating or drinking. Oh that’s right because I can’t because like many times in the past I can’t just have one. Then I get mad with myself, why the F can’t I drink like a normal person! Why I can’t I stop, why do I love drinking to excess? That’s the answer I want to know! why! Don’t tell me because I have a disease. I love food and would eat the shit out of it if I could but I get full! Why don’t have a full drinking feeling?!?!
To be honest I never drank because I had to but because I wanted to – is that the difference between from what makes someone have a problem and one that doesn’t?
I guess in the end I am just confused, I want to be able to drink in moderation – can’t that be taught? If someone loved carbs you would say they had a disease, even if they ate them everyday which 99% of people eat carbs everyday (not a fact, just what I assume lol)
I am angry, lightheaded, sweaty, cold, annoyed!
Not because I haven’t had a drink, but because I thought it would be a great idea to start a juice cleanse.
At least my focus is off my warm velvety delicious Cabernet, but drinking green nasty cold juices today….Right?!?!
I am a few hours from day 2, which I have be able to do 2x in the last – ummm don’t know how many years – so feeling pretty good so far.
The lack of sleep last night, the no food or caffeine today and who knows why I am feeling anything. I think i am talking in circles at this point so it might be best to go to bed (try) and see what day 3 looks like!!
So normally at this time, on what feels like a Sunday night due to the holiday, I would be headed to my favorite wine shop down the street before they close at 7pm. Normally I would have this panic feeling that I cant believe I am going to drink even though my whole day was a hot mess and I feel like shit but what the hell would I do with the next 4 hours if I wasn’t drinking and catching up on my DVR after a long weekend – not today – I feel optimistic and l am liking the fact that I feel good, and I don’t have this anxiety about making the trip to get that warm bottle of red wine. I am looking forward to feeling good tomorrow – I hope.
So sure I know I can watch TV and not drink or here’s an idea get shit done around the house believe me I have a ton to do but I just have to make it til the sun goes down and I can go to sleep. Sober.
Today is the day I quit drinking.
Woke up today, hungover – shocking. When I cracked my eyes open greatful I was in my bed, and started my normal morning panic. Let the dog out, take meds, delete all my calls, and text so I don’t have to remember the embarrassing drunk text and calls. Go get my car (thank god i didnt drive) grab coffee and some food and come back and lay on the couch. Feel like shit and try to get out of all my plans for the day. Look around at my dirty condo and do a bit of self hating. On par for most mornings.
Today however is the first time I am going to accept the fact that I need to quit drinking, not cut back, not only drink on certain days, those have all be tried and failed. A good friend of mine – lets call her Molly – called me and said “we all have talked and we are concerned about your drinking” first i thought WTF, who the hell are you! But she was right, and I was determined to figure out how I was going to go about this on my own terms. AA isn’t the right fit for ME, but what else was out there? After days and hours of reading books, and searching online I found a blog that was like reading my life story and struggles right in front of my eyes. For the first time I thought maybe I can do this, maybe this isn’t the end of the world. So that’s how I ended up here.
I want to be able to document and keep myself accountable. Plus I figure I will have a lot of time on my hands and need something in my hands besides a wine glass.
From what I have read this isn’t going to be easy but I for the first time am ready.
Now I have no idea if anyone will even read this but if for some strange reason you stumble across this and are in the same place let me know! I will need all the support I can get.
Wish me luck!